Big Girls Don't Cry
by kiaronna
Summary: Contemplating her past and future... Without him. Yet, she can't cry. For herself, for her time left on the earth... she must continue on. The thoughts of Ninian as she leaves, based off of ideas in song Big Girls Don't Cry. Not really a songfic.


_A/N: So, you can just skip over the Author's Note if you want. Oookaaayyy, so... I was listening to the song (which I don't own, by the way, along with Fire Emblem 7 and any of it's characters). This isn't exactly a songfic, just based off of ideas from the song. Here I will venture deeply into the mind of Ninian as she's leaving, because you know, it's awesome to work with thoughts like that. And yes, I know Ninian's thoughts have been done before on this very site. I just decided to try and write my own wonderings on it. Oh, and unlike my other FE piece, it's serious. Um, yeah. I suck at serious, so... I'm trying to improve and all that. Anyway, please read, review, and enjoy. Yep! Er, and if you feel like you want to, turn on the song while you're reading. I know it mentions planes and stuff, but otherwise, it's totally Ninian's song (please tell me if I'm misinterpreting)._

Big Girls Don't Cry

A life without him.

A fate worse than death itself. And she knew.

But she had to go... And take only memories and Nils with her. She began to think, as she did often. And all she could think about was him.

It was difficult to picture him in her mind. She wondered why: she had talked to him, looked upon him time enough, her mind had wandered to him again and again. She had even hugged him. 

But she supposed it was because he was perfect. It's hard to keep perfection in your mind. You always wonder whether you got some detail wrong, that little seed of doubt whispering that perhaps it isn't how you remembered it.

Of course, she KNEW him... That was enough, for her.

Leaving him would be difficult. But at least she'd always have him, somewhere in her heart. Even remembering him was almost painful. It was easy before, to be brave and righteous, to agree to leave, when he was standing beside her, looking as if he wanted to hold her, to stroke her hair, yet wondering if he should. If she would let him.

Did he even know how much she loved him? She hoped so, so much. So much that it hurt. She remembered talking to him, at least twice... But they had never gotten around to the topic of feelings. Oh, Elimine and the Great Dragon, how she wished she had told him. But all she could do was hope that he knew. She could never tell him- never whisper it into his ear, as lovers would. He might know in his heart, but if doubts were plaguing him as they plagued her... Then perhaps he did not.

Did he know why she had to leave? She had looked into his blue eyes... He had known in his mind. But in his heart, he didn't understand. He really didn't. His mind told him it was for the best, for both worlds. His heart told him... That it was breaking. That was what her heart was telling her. Or, perhaps... Maybe he didn't even love her. Maybe it was all a figment of her imagination.

The possibility had occurred to her before. But she had pushed that down, deep down, as he talked to Fiora of righteousness and hugged Lyn when he discovered she was safe after a battle. As the blue light started to surround her, she realized. She was miserable. Her heart felt worse than it had when he had stabbed her... Worse than anything else.

Love is the worst pain, she thought bitterly, for she knew it was true. But as everything, it had two sides... The good and the bad. Love could be good. She knew it could be. She had felt love for him so many times before... And it had felt wonderful.

* * *

"Ninian?" He looked as nervous as a child, fidgeting. 

"Yes?"

"Er... May I..." He was barely audible.

"Milord?"

His eyes were downcast, as he looked around them. He certainly wasn't frightened of the dark and the mist surrounding them on the battlefield, but... He was scared of something else. "...May I hold your hand?"

She could only look at him in wonder, a million thoughts running through her mind.

"I-it's alright if you don't want to... I just didn't want to lose you in this mist. It's... Difficult to see."

She involuntarily shivered.

"You don't need to, I shouldn't have-"

She slipped her hand into his, squeezing it gently. His hand was not rough like a warriors; nor soft like a spoilt girl's. It was a mixture, just right, and it made her feel warm inside just to think about the man whose hand she was holding.

She didn't have the courage to tell him that she had wanted to hold his hand as well.

* * *

The blue light felt like home. It was amazingly bright, but not painful. The scent... It smelled like the breeze in her temple, the temple she had. Despite her sadness, she felt a small yearning for the place she had left, that she was now returning to. Almost the same as the yearning she had for this Elibe, her home long ago. The feeling was certainly different now... Not a desperate dream that she could almost reach, that it would be bad to reach... But a place that she had the choice of returning to, that she should return to for the best of the world. 

She had to go home, she knew. And though she had never been able to call it home before... She knew she could now. The world she was leaving was different than what they thought.

She wondered if it was possible to have two homes: one for your body, your mind, your happiness. And the other, for your heart. Certainly the second was what she was leaving behind. You cannot be in two places at once.

How silly of her to say that: for that was exactly where she was. The place between worlds, half in, half out. She knew that right now, she could stop it. She could go back out, hug him and tell him she wished to be with him forever... She wanted to, very badly. But she couldn't.

There was another thing Ninian could not do... For her heart and her smile, which she had to have back someday. She'd always love him, but love wasn't enough to bring them together. She had to go, for her peace of mind and for her people, or she could never sleep at night knowing that she had perhaps doomed her family, the future humans, her brother, even him. Eliwood.

She shouldn't have thought of him: she felt it welling in her eyes, the tears she could not shed for her own sake.

"Don't cry, Ninian," she whispered time after time as the blue light engulfed her entirely, and her back was pressed against the cold marble of the temple, the temple of the Oracle.

Ninian was home.

And still, she could not stop whispering to herself... Trying to convince her heart of something- what, she did not know.

_Don't cry, Ninian._

_Don't cry._

_Fin

* * *

_

_A/N: I'm off to beat myself over the head with a frying pan for getting all weird. Where the heck is my funny Muse?! DARN MUSE! Ahem. So, please tell me what you think (and be free to tell me that it sucked, but make sure to tell me WHY it sucked, or else that's a flame and not constructive criticism. And if I misspelled anything... I'm not using Word, so forgive me). Well, go my angst. It was originally supposed to end more happily... However, it just didn't. Too de loo..._


End file.
